Monday, April 15, 2013

Baseball Predictions + jokes = great lunchtime reading

I enjoy baseball. A lot. These predictions will likely be way off. But who cares? Baseball!

Dean meets the Phanatic 2012

AL EAST
Rays -- "Joe Maddon's new glasses day" lures in most fans ever.
Red Sox -- Despite the lowered expectations, Red Sox nation still upset at second place finish.
Blue Jays -- Toronto fans get excited for best third place finish in years.
Yankees -- Yankee Stadium scoreboard ceases to show scores, assures fans team is winning and will get another championship. A-Rod returns disguised as Billy Martin.
Orioles -- Baltimore fans set fire to Nationals park, believing it will help their team.

AL CENTRAL
Detroit -- Entire team forced to start smoking. Closer is nervous b/c his healthy lungs seem to be only reason he was signed.
Indians -- City of Cleveland throws parade for greatest sports franchise in city on May 1st when team is one game above .500.
Royals -- Kansas City Royals fans threaten to move city.
White Sox -- MLB Network offers to make reality show of beer vendor in effort to distract from utterly boring team.
Twins -- Joe Mauer injures scalp after too many takes during Head & Shoulders commercial filming.

AL WEST
Angels -- Pujols appears on Fox News to criticize immigration policies, gun control, and the attention paid to Josh Hamilton's sobriety.
A's -- mid-season decision to move team to San Jose results in very quiet, empty stadium. Allowing team to really concentrate and go on thirty game winning streak.
Rangers -- two words: coke binge.
Mariners -- King Felix caught having sex in big pile of money. No one questions it.
Astros -- Local high school team keeps getting confused for Astros.

GRAPHS!


NL EAST
Nationals -- I hate this team with a joyous passion that the Mets once felt shoot from my eyes like lasers
Phillies -- gonna miss playoffs by 1 game, thanks to that loss on opening day.
Braves -- yes. third. because why the hell not.
Mets -- Mr. Met found dead in Phanatic's basement, but no police investigation follows.
Marlins -- Team stops showing up for games around mid-August, manages to win a few games because real teams forfeit to avoid flight to Miami.

NL CENTRAL
Reds -- Cueto, Chapman, Votto, Phillips & Shin Shoo CHOOOOOOO
Cardinals -- Mark Macguire is a tool. Yadier Molina stubs toe, cries, begs Chris Carpenter to bean a hitter. Carpenter goes to Johnny Cueto's house and beans him. Gets arrested. Tony LaRussa represents Carpenter in court.
Brewers -- Braun indicted on July 4th. U-S-A! U-S-A!
Pirates -- finish at 80-82, McCutchen appears on MLB Network during playoffs simply to smack Mitch Williams for complaining about how that Pittsburgh traded its closer.
Cubs -- The fans storm the offices of Theo Epstein & Co. demanding answers, find him having sex with a robot that reads advanced statistics in a sexy deep voice.

NL WEST
Dodgers -- Team gets Giancarlo Stanton for Andre Ethier's shoes in Mid-May.
Giants -- Brian Wilson starts hanging out in dugout despite not having a contract. No one likes him.
Rockies -- Tulowitski lasts the whole season without injury, but rest of team hurt in August during massive locker room towel-snapping fight started by gleefully giggling CarGo.
Padres -- Moving fences in proves detrimental to left fielders in NL West who keep running into walls.
Diamondbacks -- end up in last place after Kirk Gibson benches team and decides to "Do it all his damn self."

WILD CARDS: Giants & A's
Wild Card: Dodgers over Braves; Reds over Giants; Detroit over Rays; Angels over A's
LCS: Reds over Dodgers; Detroit over Angels;
World Series: Reds over Detroit